Category: Authenticity

Categories
Authenticity Emotional Social Well-being

The Way Out is Through

Photo by Matheus Bertelli on Pexels.com

Caveat: this post was written nearly 3 years ago, on June 2nd of 2022, and has lived in my drafts folder ever since.  Some of the life described below has changed, some still feels unchangingly current.  No edits have occurred other than the addition of this small aside, added on May 5th of 2025.

I am tired.  I’m tired of feeling absolutely crushed by world events, the political nightmare that is my country (hell, the world), and seeing the effects of climate change.  I am tired of jumping and going into fight/flight/freeze multiple times a day in my own home.  I don’t know the last time more than a day went by where I didn’t feel absolutely steamrolled by the thought of the future.  I’m just so fucking sad and exhausted.  

I accept that happiness isn’t someplace we get to live.  It’s an emotion, just like sadness and anger are, so are joy and happiness.  Sometimes I cry myself to sleep. Other times, I eat until I am uncomfortable because that is a discomfort that I can control (unlike the daily rides on the sadness and rage rollercoaster).  Then, I feel crushing guilt because there are so many people struggling to have enough to eat and here I am just fucking eating so that I feel something that I have control over.  Happiness is a rare beast in my life these days.

I’m sharing this because 1) I am not ashamed and 2) I hope that if you see a warped reflection of your own feelings here, you can know that you are not alone. Also, feeling these things does not make you abnormal or weird or anything along those lines. You are a human, and you are doing your best. This is part of being human, not all the time and it isn’t everyone’s experience. 

Attempting to live up to societal standards while recognizing them as lies meant to keep us in line and sell us crap we don’t need for a life that doesn’t really fit our innermost, true selves can feel annihilating.  It fucking hurts.  On top of that, there are all of the great problems in the world that we are faced with, whether directly or indirectly on a daily basis. Violence, inequity, increasingly extreme weather. Is this how we are supposed to spend our lives?  Being bland consumer robots doing things that do not fulfill us because it’s our job or it’s what we’re supposed to do?  It can’t be.  It just cannot be.  Each of us is meant for more. That is my peace of hope.  This cannot be all that there is.

If any of what I’ve said resonated with you, you might be wondering, “What now?”  Honestly, I’m not one hundred percent sure.  Finding help, a support person or group, and/or finding something that feels right in your heart or gut, that does no harm to you or anyone else, and running with it could be options.  We are human and imperfection is part of our humanity.  Empathy for each other and our selves because of our imperfections is also part of our humanity.  

Personally, I’ve started therapy and believe that is as good a place as any to start. (There are options out there that may make therapy surprisingly affordable.  I know it’s hard, but try to be brave and ask. There is no harm there.)  Medication might be in my future.  I’ve started running again.  I keep circling back to meditation but struggle with a daily practice. I write most days (maybe I’ll share some in the future). I am trying to reincorporate things that make me feel better or help me relax. Specifically things that aren’t eating and streaming endless entertainment through screens. 

I don’t know that any of that is the solution, but I am in a space where I am willing to do the work and hang on to the hope that there has to be more to life than this.  I encourage you to look for what works for you in any moment that you have the energy to do so.  This could mean turning to a trusted person and asking them for help.  If you have no energy to find a therapist, maybe they can help you find one.  Or simply be there for you and let you know you are not alone.  Because you are not alone.  

If you’ve read this and are thinking, “Lady, I don’t get what you’re saying.  I am a little concerned though…”  No need to worry.  I am fine– in the sense that I am at no risk of hurting myself or anyone else.  Even if this doesn’t ring true for you at this precise moment in time, there’s a chance some of it might ring true for you at some point down the road.  If that happens, I want you to know, you are not alone and help is available.  

Have hope.

Categories
Authenticity Emotional Well-being

A Little Bit Lost, A Little Bit Rage-y

I’m sitting outside.  It’s 52 degrees in the sun but I’m sitting under a patio umbrella because the sun’s a bitch to my skin and I had a choice: get out of the house right this very second or put on sunscreen and possibly implode from rage.  So here I am, shivering in the shade to avoid doing anything I might regret.  “Why?” you might ask.  Why am I sitting outside, bracing for each chilling blow of the wind, when I could be inside where it is a temperature controlled 68 degrees and there is no wind?  Because, frankly, if I clenched my teeth any harder I would have a dental emergency to attend to in addition to everything else.

This may beg the question again, “Why?” The usual list, I suppose.  Some of what is driving me to this state I am able to name with pinpoint accuracy. For instance, a cat (darling though he is) that NEEDS to be physically on me 24/7, and not in a chill way, but constantly moving, pushing, demanding never-ending pets and attention.  While it is nice to feel wanted and needed, can’t a woman have 5 minutes without a cat pushing her coffee cup over?  Or there’s the bf who is forever and always both dissatisfied and angry at his job.  Or there’s the sheer insanity of how much work it is to get photos backed up from an iPhone to an external hard drive.  That shit used to be (relatively) easy.  Now it’s a battle of what technology is going to fail and at what point.  The list continues and nothing on it is inherently life threatening, I’ll survive. I might develop hypertension along the way though (and that can be life threatening, hmmm). You might have your own list, the little things that overtime are rubbing your patience for them… raw.

Anyhow! Then there’s the shit I struggle to pinpoint.  Maybe you’ve experienced something similar? It feels like a general malaise and discomfort, leaving me certain in the knowledge that I am off my fucking path. Also, I have no idea how far I am from it.  Or in what direction it might lay. I am lost and surrounded by a dense forest, largely made up of the needs and demands of others.  So much so that I feel like I cannot peacefully carve out time to even try to find my path, or that I would be allowed to follow it should I be so lucky as to trip over the damn thing.

Yes, I hear you. This is a privileged situation in which I find myself, and one you may also find yourself in. My basic needs are mostly handled, at least as defined by Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. I’m not going hungry, there’s a roof over my head (normally, right now there’s an umbrella), etc. Now, I’m searching to meet those psychological and self-fulfillment needs that Maslow also pointed to. Here’s the thing, while there is a massive black hole of inequity in our world, and there are people struggling to meet their basic needs, that hole does not mean that once your own basic needs are met that you won’t notice other gaping black holes that feel like they threaten your very existence. Like at some point, one of them is going to collapse in on itself like the dying star that it is. It’s not like my existence is even very important. I mean, it is to me but that’s because if I were to cease to exist I’d be dead (duh). I believe we are all meant to do more than survive. Maybe our paths, the ones that you and I are looking for, will solve problems that are standing in the way of everyone getting to meet their basic needs. But I think it is important to acknowledge this: knowing that you’re not on your path, your purpose, can feel crazy-making.

A common, if witty, “definition” for insanity* goes something like this, “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”  My question is, what is it called when you feel trapped, you keep trying to make changes,  but in the end you wind up living the same day, over and over again?  Is this what leads to insanity?  Is it where part of you gives up and you stop making changes, but the hope hasn’t died so you keep hoping that something will change?

Here’s hoping (ha) that neither part dies.  That the sheer existence of that hope, hope that something will change, will allow us the ability to keep trying.  To keep changing, searching, growing.  I know the path is out there.  I know it in my core.  My shivering, chilled, aching teeth core. And I know yours is to. It has to be. Right?

*This is not commentary on individuals battling medically defined insanity, rather a commentary on the general sensation of being out of control associated with recognizing that your true self and the self you find yourself living as, presenting as, being wholly out of alignment.

Categories
Authenticity Emotional Physical Time-Management Well-being

Are we reliving the same day?

Over and over and over again…

Time has felt more slippery than ever for many of us since the beginning of the pandemic and the changes it brought to our day-to-day lives.  During the workweek it can be a struggle to differentiate one day from another.  A countdown to the weekend is one of the only things keeping my days of the week straight anymore.  

Everyday it’s wake up, walk down the hall, log-on and start working, rinse and repeat.  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE the commute these days.  Zero stress.  No chance of traffic or a car accident.  I can’t forget my lunch or coffee on the counter– they’re just downstairs!  Plus, for me there’s the added bonus of being able to actually work better, with more focus, without the constant interruptions and distractions being in a workplace brings.

I’m still in disbelief that an entire month of 2022 has already passed.  Where did the time go?!  For me, the days became even more indistinguishable as my workweek expanded into evenings and the weekend.  When so much time is taken up by work, it leaves little time for managing household tasks and personal needs.

During January, I fell down the stress cycle rabbit hole.  Between getting out of habit with running, cold weather, and short daylight hours coupled with long workday hours, I just wasn’t getting the stress out of my body with any sort of physical activity.  The mental drain of work meant that I felt completely spent by the time I was clocking out most days.  I’d manage to muster up enough energy to get basic chores like laundry or dishes done and then collapse on the couch for some screen time to wind down/survive the rest of the day.  When you add in my comfort eating, cutting sugar and cream from my coffees turned out to be a zero sum game where I ended January unhealthier than I had begun.

Over the last few weeks I have struggled with beating myself up over wiping out all of the progress I had made since August in just a few weeks time.  It feels really futile at times.  It was easier to stomach when the changes weren’t so noticeable in the mirror, but now I can barely look myself in the face without cringing.  Logically I know that this situation can be short lived.  But feelings aren’t logical.  So here I am.  I feel like crap and I can’t even look at my face in the mirror without averting my gaze.

Brightsides?  Overtime is wrapping up for my job, so my weeks can soon return to a typical work week.  I *think* I’ve found a planning strategy that works well for me.  (If it continues to, I’ll be sure to put together a short post to share in case it might work for someone else too.)  Spring is coming (no matter what the groundhog says!), and that means that warmer weather and longer days are heading our way here in the Northern hemisphere.  Woohoo!!

As an aside, I am thoroughly grateful that I have been fortunate enough to work from home full-time since the beginning of the pandemic.  I am also aware that there are people who are struggling and would be more than thankful to have the opportunity for overtime.  However, being grateful for one does not negate the impact of another.  Being aware that other people might be in a place where they would be more welcoming of overtime, does not make it easier to work those hours.  Two things can be true.  While there absolutely was a time in my life where I would not have thought twice about the physical or mental impact that working overtime had on me (I would have downed a few extra coffees or Red Bulls and just powered through, done the OTG, completely disregarding my personal well-being), being aware of the impact does make it a bit of an internal struggle between my inner people pleaser and the part of me that is striving to make sure to take care of my own needs also and finding balancing the two is not something I am an expert at.