Caveat: this post was written nearly 3 years ago, on June 2nd of 2022, and has lived in my drafts folder ever since. Some of the life described below has changed, some still feels unchangingly current. No edits have occurred other than the addition of this small aside, added on May 5th of 2025.
I am tired. I’m tired of feeling absolutely crushed by world events, the political nightmare that is my country (hell, the world), and seeing the effects of climate change. I am tired of jumping and going into fight/flight/freeze multiple times a day in my own home. I don’t know the last time more than a day went by where I didn’t feel absolutely steamrolled by the thought of the future. I’m just so fucking sad and exhausted.
I accept that happiness isn’t someplace we get to live. It’s an emotion, just like sadness and anger are, so are joy and happiness. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep. Other times, I eat until I am uncomfortable because that is a discomfort that I can control (unlike the daily rides on the sadness and rage rollercoaster). Then, I feel crushing guilt because there are so many people struggling to have enough to eat and here I am just fucking eating so that I feel something that I have control over. Happiness is a rare beast in my life these days.
I’m sharing this because 1) I am not ashamed and 2) I hope that if you see a warped reflection of your own feelings here, you can know that you are not alone. Also, feeling these things does not make you abnormal or weird or anything along those lines. You are a human, and you are doing your best. This is part of being human, not all the time and it isn’t everyone’s experience.
Attempting to live up to societal standards while recognizing them as lies meant to keep us in line and sell us crap we don’t need for a life that doesn’t really fit our innermost, true selves can feel annihilating. It fucking hurts. On top of that, there are all of the great problems in the world that we are faced with, whether directly or indirectly on a daily basis. Violence, inequity, increasingly extreme weather. Is this how we are supposed to spend our lives? Being bland consumer robots doing things that do not fulfill us because it’s our job or it’s what we’re supposed to do? It can’t be. It just cannot be. Each of us is meant for more. That is my peace of hope. This cannot be all that there is.
If any of what I’ve said resonated with you, you might be wondering, “What now?” Honestly, I’m not one hundred percent sure. Finding help, a support person or group, and/or finding something that feels right in your heart or gut, that does no harm to you or anyone else, and running with it could be options. We are human and imperfection is part of our humanity. Empathy for each other and our selves because of our imperfections is also part of our humanity.
Personally, I’ve started therapy and believe that is as good a place as any to start. (There are options out there that may make therapy surprisingly affordable. I know it’s hard, but try to be brave and ask. There is no harm there.) Medication might be in my future. I’ve started running again. I keep circling back to meditation but struggle with a daily practice. I write most days (maybe I’ll share some in the future). I am trying to reincorporate things that make me feel better or help me relax. Specifically things that aren’t eating and streaming endless entertainment through screens.
I don’t know that any of that is the solution, but I am in a space where I am willing to do the work and hang on to the hope that there has to be more to life than this. I encourage you to look for what works for you in any moment that you have the energy to do so. This could mean turning to a trusted person and asking them for help. If you have no energy to find a therapist, maybe they can help you find one. Or simply be there for you and let you know you are not alone. Because you are not alone.
If you’ve read this and are thinking, “Lady, I don’t get what you’re saying. I am a little concerned though…” No need to worry. I am fine– in the sense that I am at no risk of hurting myself or anyone else. Even if this doesn’t ring true for you at this precise moment in time, there’s a chance some of it might ring true for you at some point down the road. If that happens, I want you to know, you are not alone and help is available.
Have hope.
Trial and Error Plus Hope 